to Willow Hayley Lovelace, the love of my life

i have said a lot to you, and yet, even after all this time i find it so hard to really quantify my own thoughts. too caught up being gay to say the words i want to say. i guess it happens when i'm around the love of my life. the woman i love with all of my heart. but even so, i have held these feelings since may. i haven't stopped thinking about you since may. since the 5th of may. it's still ingrained in my mind. it almost feels like yesterday in way. just like any moment we spend together. even through these stupid fucking ramblings deep down there's a thought i know. there's a thought i'm immensly familiar with.

i LOVE you, i fucking love you. i can't stop loving you. i cannot get the thought of you out of my mind and i'd rather you stay in there, because you heal me. any time i am feeling down or just numb, i think about you and even if it's for only a little moment, i feel warmth. i feel the warmth you've made me feel. i feel the love you've made me feel. i feel so much. i feel everything i have felt since 5 months ago.

i know i have felt love before. i know i have felt cared about before. but with you, it feels like it's there even more. i feel so giddy and gay around you in a way i don't think i have ever really felt with anyone. every day with you is a blessing. i know i am deserving of love, but i didn't know somebody cares about me and loves me that much. i didn't know. i still struggle with recognising if i do, but i don't care. i know i do. and i'm so happy i found it in you. i'm happy i found you. i'm happy i followed your light, angel, because you are so precious. i keep your presence in my heart, my angel. i hope i never lose the sight of your shining halo, for you shine so bright in the sky, and your soul shines even more.

i will do anything to give you the whole world, because you are deserving of every good thing that is out there. you deserve so much. the kindness you hold in your heart, i can feel it in every word you say to me. i can hear it in your voice. every cute noise, every gay ramble you write about me only reinforces that. i have felt so much that it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to cry knowing that you exist because you have healed me in ways i never thought could be possible with just a mere presence, but you have. i never knew chubby yuri would lead to this and i still find it surreal, but i'm living chubby yuri right now. and it's fucking amazing.

i'm glad i have not just a girlfriend, but a friend to confide in, someone to be vulnerable with. i know we struggle with dysphoria and sexual trauma, and we have been through a lot. those transphobes shitting on you once they got a hold of your selfies still makes me worried. but, we have each other. we have each other. and deep down, transphobes can never ruin us. they can't get between us. because they don't know you. i do. they don't know how amazing of a person you are. they don't know how you are so sweet and loving. they don't know how beautiful you are. because their thoughts are clouded in grey. yet, mine are coloured thanks to you. you have brought upon an array of colour into my life and i have managed to walk through the fog. i will do anything to make sure you get through it too, my pumpkin.

no matter what, even if the sea separates us, the waves will bring us closer. i think of you and it's like you're there, in my heart. you make me so happy, willow. you make me so happy. and i hope i do the same to you. because seeing you smile would brighten me up. to see you smile, to see your beautiful face, to hold your soft body against mine and feel it all over, i would cry. i would cry the same tears i have cried every time i think about how youve treated me and how youve shown me the light many times.

you are genuinely so puppycoded and it melts my heart. everything you've said to me melts my fucking heart. i can imagine you getting so excited when i wake up and hopping up on my body and nuzzling it like an overjoyed puppy. i can imagine you snuggling up against me and making cute gay noises like an adorable puppy. i can imagine your hair and body being so soft like the fur of a puppy. you are beautiful in so many ways and i can sense it in your soul. i hope one day i can see your tail waggle, my beautiful.

i look at you and i see a beautiful girl. i think about you and i see a beautiful girl. i can't wait until i can see my beautiful girl in a beautiful white dress, with a ring on her finger and my lipstick plastered on her cheek. i'll kiss the same spot again as i get to officially call you my willow hayley lovelace and i get to be your luna hallie lovelace, your lulu, your lunibunny, your best friend; crying the tears i have cried since may. i can't wait to look back at all of this and cry. i can't wait until i get to wake up in your arms, even in your sleepy stupor you are so beautiful. i'll kiss you and i'll see the corners of your lips slowly curl up and in that moment the light bouncing off of your face will hit mine and i'll cry because i am in the presence of an amazing girl. and i'll wait until you wake up so i can see the stars sparkles in your eyes, an early glimpse into the beautiful night sky. when a comet passes by i know it'll reach home, because she has found it beside me. ♡